To feel good in her own skin is the best privilege a woman can have
- van -
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Expectations
It's been a long time since I wrote something in this blog. Well, living a life of 5th semester student is not easy, lots of task to do, lots of paper to write. Today, I decide to write something because, of course, I got free time and I feel kinda lost.
I don't know if I told you before but I am an ambitious. I have a great expectation about myself especially: great academic score, great social life, great organizational experiences, great physical appearance, etc. I know I wouldn't be able to achieve those all, nobody would.
People around always have expectation too because yeah, that's how human being human. My parents expect me to be success in education and future life. My friends expect me to be a great friend who is fun and care. I know I wouldn't be able to meet those all, nobody would.
Nevertheless, deep inside my heart, deep inside my mind, I always take those expectations seriously. I always being obsessed to be as great as I can.
People say I got no emotion. Nobody have seen me crying except my family and well, my ex.
That's not I don't have any feeling. I just can't share my feelings with people around me, even if they are my friends. I can't express what I think nor feel. I can describe it very well. I often try to share my feeling, but once I open my mouth and say a few words, I think,"Nah. I shouldn't start anything." then shut my mouth again.
Not that I think nobody cares. I know I got lot of good friends that care. I AM AFRAID.
I am afraid about what people would think about me.
I am afraid people would judge me because they don't know what I really feel.
A night before Christmas, I tried to continue doing my research proposal for end test by the time I got home from church. It was 11.30 p.m. I was really tired, but I've targeted myself to finish my proposal on Dec,23rd. "I've missed my target," I think. I stared at my laptop, useless, I couldn't even think. So I closed it and ran to my room. I cried, out of my desperation.
My mama came into my room to check me. It turned out I was crying. She hugged me and I tried my best to tell my feeling. My mama said,"Don't be like that. We may have life target (expectation), but we are human, we get tired, we need to socialize, we need to have some fun. We may have life target, but don't be stressful if you can't achieve it as long as we have tried our best."
Expectation kills. I agree with that. Expectation have lifted me high lots of time, expectation also have thrown me down. I tried to remember my mama's saying. Though, it's me, a human with ambitions and high expectations. And if this night I write this, it's simply because I am afraid of all my own expectations.
I don't know if I told you before but I am an ambitious. I have a great expectation about myself especially: great academic score, great social life, great organizational experiences, great physical appearance, etc. I know I wouldn't be able to achieve those all, nobody would.
People around always have expectation too because yeah, that's how human being human. My parents expect me to be success in education and future life. My friends expect me to be a great friend who is fun and care. I know I wouldn't be able to meet those all, nobody would.
Nevertheless, deep inside my heart, deep inside my mind, I always take those expectations seriously. I always being obsessed to be as great as I can.
People say I got no emotion. Nobody have seen me crying except my family and well, my ex.
That's not I don't have any feeling. I just can't share my feelings with people around me, even if they are my friends. I can't express what I think nor feel. I can describe it very well. I often try to share my feeling, but once I open my mouth and say a few words, I think,"Nah. I shouldn't start anything." then shut my mouth again.
Not that I think nobody cares. I know I got lot of good friends that care. I AM AFRAID.
I am afraid about what people would think about me.
I am afraid people would judge me because they don't know what I really feel.
A night before Christmas, I tried to continue doing my research proposal for end test by the time I got home from church. It was 11.30 p.m. I was really tired, but I've targeted myself to finish my proposal on Dec,23rd. "I've missed my target," I think. I stared at my laptop, useless, I couldn't even think. So I closed it and ran to my room. I cried, out of my desperation.
My mama came into my room to check me. It turned out I was crying. She hugged me and I tried my best to tell my feeling. My mama said,"Don't be like that. We may have life target (expectation), but we are human, we get tired, we need to socialize, we need to have some fun. We may have life target, but don't be stressful if you can't achieve it as long as we have tried our best."
Expectation kills. I agree with that. Expectation have lifted me high lots of time, expectation also have thrown me down. I tried to remember my mama's saying. Though, it's me, a human with ambitions and high expectations. And if this night I write this, it's simply because I am afraid of all my own expectations.
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