For me, life is a journey of discovery.
This whole life, I keep trying to discover the meaning of my own presence.
Sometimes it's frustrating, not knowing what the future have for me.
Sometimes I feel lost and stuck, drawn in insecurities.
But maybe, just maybe, it's the best part of life actually.
Where's the fun if we figure out everything right away?
Life is a journey of discovery.
I decide to live it, enjoy the very moment while I can.
p.s. I love drawing, here's one of my illustrations :)
vania's free zone
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Some Things To Do
From my posts and thoughts, I guess you can tell that I'm an over-thinker (is this term right?).
I constantly being anxiety about everything like what people think about my look, what if my laughter is too loud and annoying, what if I couldn't make my mama proud, and so on so on so on...
As someone who is an over-thinker and also a workaholic, I hate doing nothing. Doing nothing will made me feeling unproductive and guilty. So, I always keep myself busy! But, what should I do when I got no tasks from university or organizations I join? This time I will share some activities I do to overcome my overthinking thought.
Browsing
This is the first thing I'll do when I'm bored. I just type anything randomly on my search engine, like "personality test" or "spaghetti religion". I click through so much personality test. I love doing this kind of test. Maybe I'm just want to know about myself? I also love watching random Youtube videos, especially about food. I watch food videos when I got hungry at night.
Get Crafty
I love art and being crafty. I love browsing about DIY stuffs. Last time, I did origami. There's a Japanese youtuber - I forget the name - that create tutorial video about Darth Vader Origami! Super hard but super fun, worth to try.
Coloring
Well you know, adult coloring book is happening right now. I bought one about five months ago. I also bought a new pack of color pencils. The book contains about 50 pages and I have done 4 pages (HAHA). I don't know if this is relaxing or not. Sometimes coloring make me frustrated because I don't get the result I want. Just kidding. It's super fun!
Reading
I love reading novel but I don't have many books. Books are so expensive right now and I'm broke. Thanks God, I have lots of friends who have many books. So, I usually read theirs.
Hmm, there's still a lot of activities I do like organizing or planning or gaming.. or BLOGGING! I decide to write this because I got nothing to do and I started overthink.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
4 Life Lessons You Can Learn from Doing ART
Hello again :)
My last posts have negative vibes, so I think I should write something positive today.
I may not be a super artsy person, but I love art. I have been falling in love in drawing and doodling since I was a little kid. In the junior high school, I joined manga course. The reasons are simple. I love reading manga (until now) and I'm not good at colouring. In senior high school, I became a member of school theater group. Since my high school is an all-girls school, I always got roles as man like a gangster even caveman. Then in university, I took a part as Soprano in my university's student choir. I didn't really like choir before, but now I fall for it. I even experience some competition with my choir.
Okay, enough the bridging.
What I really want to tell you is some life lessons I learned from art.
Here they are!
you can be anything
It sounds cheesy but really, you can be anything. In theater play, I can be anything I want like a flirtatious young girl or a Roman soldier. It's just about mindset. I am what I think.
discipline and commitment
Theater and Choir require practices. Tired of hearing "practice makes perfect"? Yes. Me too. Eventhough, I should admit that it's true. The thing is we can do something because we used to do that, not because we are born an expert. You don't think we are born an expert in walking, right? We are born know nothing but we learn to walk. We do it everyday until we used to it. But practice is hard. That's why we need to be discipline. That's also why a great commitment is needed.
lowering your ego
If an actor act greatly on his/her own without interact with another actors, the play wouldn't be fun to watch. Even if they are amazing singers or actors. We all have ego. It's natural. We want the world runs as our wish. The truth is we can't do that. When we work with a lot of people, with their own egos, we have to be tolerant. If a single singer's voice in choir stand out, the song wouldn't be good to hear and harmonious.
listening is the key
To produce a harmonious voice, choristers should listen to each others. Sometimes we are to busy with our opinion. We are busy talking and complaining. We got headache because we are busy thinking on our own. Maybe we should stop talking and start listening other people. Maybe they have some great ideas those would solve our problems.
Labels:
art,
choir,
commitment,
discipline,
drawing,
ego,
life lessons,
listening,
theater
Friday, May 6, 2016
Me Against Acne
Kali ini aku ingin bercerita mengenai kondisi kulitku.
Perjuangan yang sudah aku lakukan selama ini untuk melawan jerawat.
Aku pernah beberapa kali mengatakan bahwa aku memiliki banyak jerawat di daerah wajah sejak SMA. Kala itu jerawat masih dimaklumi sebagai efek samping dari pubertas. "Nanti juga hilang," katanya. Yah. Aku selalu berharap demikian.
Namun ternyata di universitas kondisi kulitku malah semakin parah. Hampir seluruh bagian wajahku sempat ditumbuhi jerawat. Ketika jerawat tersebut hilang pun bekasnya masih tertinggal. Ada pula bekas luka akibat ketidaksabaranku memencet jerawat (sungguh, jangan ditiru). Akibatnya wajahku selalu terlihat kusam dan kotor. Apalagi kulit wajahku memang berminyak.
Aku sempat mengunjungi beberapa klinik. Dokter kulit yang pertama kusambangi ketika tahun terakhir SMA adalah Dokter Budi. Dokter Budi ini berpraktik di Apotek Pecenongan yang kebetulan tidak jauh dari tempat ibuku mengajar. Hasil pencarian di internet menunjukkan bahwa beliau cukup populer. Terbukti tempat praktiknya yang kecil itu selalu ramai.
Setiap datang, Dokter Budi akan memecahkan jerawat yang sudah matang dan menyuntikkan cairan. Selanjutnya ia memberikan bedak kocok serta memberikan daftar makanan yang tidak boleh dikonsumsi. Sepertinya Dokter Budi ini bekerja sama dengan merk kosmetik Bless karena selalu direkomendasikan kepada pasiennya.
Awalnya terjadi perubahan yang cukup baik di kulitku. Sampai pada tahap tertentu, aku berhenti mengunjungi Dokter Budi dan menggunakan bedak kocoknya. Hampir satu tahun berselang, kulitku kembali mengalami masalah yang lebih parah dan obat dari Dokter Budi tidak mampu lagi mengobatinya.
Di semester 3 universitas, aku dan ibuku mendapat usulan untuk mengunjungi Erha Apothecary. Cabangnya yang banyak dan penampilannya yang profesional membuat aku percaya. Siapapun yang pernah menyambangi Erha pasti tahu bahwa obat yang diberikan kepada pasien sangat banyak. Aku diberikan toner, dua macam krim untuk pagi, dua macam krim untuk malam, sabun cuci muka, serta obat minum yang ketika ditotal mencapai tujuh ratus hingga delapan ratus ribu rupiah. Selain itu, aku diminta melakukan peeling setiap dua minggu sekali oleh dokter. Sekadar informasi, harga peeling di Erha Apothecary sekitar tiga ratus ribu.
Hasilnya? Kulitku sangat kering. Ya, memang jerawatnya cukup berkurang dengan signifikan. Namun rasanya betul-betul tidak nyaman dan cenderung gatal karena pengelupasan kulit yang parah. Lebih gawatnya, jerawat kembali timbul dan bahkan bertambah ketika aku mulai tidak menggunakan obat-obatan dari Erha. Pada titik ini aku sadar bahwa pengobatan Erha menyebabkan ketergantungan dan aku pun memutuskan untuk berhenti.
Beberapa bulan berselang, aku bertemu dengan kakak sepupuku dalam acara pernikahan saudara. Ia melihat kulitku yang mengelupas dan penuh jerawat. Aku pun bercerita bahwa aku baru saja lepas menggunakan produk Erha. Kakak sepupuku pun bercerita bahwa lepas menggunakan produk Erha kulitnya juga mengalami masalah serupa. Jerawat kembali bermunculan dan lebih parah. Ia merekomendasikan sebuah satu set produk dari CV Tabita.
Ibuku pun mendorongku untuk mencoba produk CV Tabita. Dengan pembelian secara online, aku mendapatkan sabun cuci muka, toner, krim pagi, krim malam, dan krim jerawat. Tiga bulan menggunakan produk tersebut, kulitku mengalami perubahan yang cukup positif.
Meskipun demikian aku hanya menggunakan produk Tabita sekitar lima bulan. Ketika aku menjadi panitia reuni sekolah, aku mendapatkan rekomendasi dari seorang teman ibuku untuk mencoba klinik Liz. Melalui proses pencarian di internet, klinik Liz ini pun cenderung mendapat testimoni positif. Aku pun memutuskan untuk mencobanya.
Karena rumahku di daerah Sunter, aku mengunjungi klinik Liz di daerah Kelapa Gading. Tempatnya kecil dan kurang terawat dengan baik. Sempat muncul keraguan, apalagi pegawainya tampak bermalas-malasan, tetapi aku tetap mencobanya. Kulitku pun diperiksa oleh seorang dokter. Aku diberikan sabun cuci muka, kompres jerawat, dan krim jerawat. Kompres jerawat itu konon bertujuan mengelupas kulit-kulit mati dan bekas jerawat. Aku harus mengompres wajahku selama tiga puluh menit setiap harinya.
Tidak hanya mengaplikasikan set produk tersebut, aku juga harus melakukan facial setiap dua minggu sekali. Facial. Ya, perawatan yang sejujurnya paling ku benci. Menurutku facial sama saja dengan membayar orang untuk melakukan serangkaian penyiksaan pada diri sendiri. Jerawat bahkan komedo dipencet dengan paksa. Kemudian jerawat-jerawat tersebut disuntik. Tidak jarang aku menangis di tengah proses perawatan.
Namun hasilnya cukup positif. Jerawatku berkurang dan bekas-bekasnya pun memudar. Kulitku juga tidak menjadi kering. Sampai saat ini aku masih melakukan perawatan di klinik Liz. Saat menulis ini, sejujurnya dahiku sedang ditumbuhi jerawat dan aku cukup stress melihat kondisi ini.
Jika kalian mengalami masalah kulit yang serupa denganku, pasti kalian paham. Rasanya menyebalkan. Mengapa sih aku dikaruniai masalah kulit seperti ini? Mengapa orang lain tidak? Mengapa orang lain bebas mengonsumsi apa saja dengan kondisi kulit yang tetap bagus dan aku tidak?
Ya. Saat ini aku masih tetap berusaha, mencoba berbagai pengobatan yang konon mampu menyembuhkan kondisi kulitku. Usaha yang paling sulit sesungguhnya adalah tetap menegakkan kepala dengan percaya diri walaupun ingin menangis karena tidak percaya diri.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Privilege
To feel good in her own skin is the best privilege a woman can have
- van -
- van -
Expectations
It's been a long time since I wrote something in this blog. Well, living a life of 5th semester student is not easy, lots of task to do, lots of paper to write. Today, I decide to write something because, of course, I got free time and I feel kinda lost.
I don't know if I told you before but I am an ambitious. I have a great expectation about myself especially: great academic score, great social life, great organizational experiences, great physical appearance, etc. I know I wouldn't be able to achieve those all, nobody would.
People around always have expectation too because yeah, that's how human being human. My parents expect me to be success in education and future life. My friends expect me to be a great friend who is fun and care. I know I wouldn't be able to meet those all, nobody would.
Nevertheless, deep inside my heart, deep inside my mind, I always take those expectations seriously. I always being obsessed to be as great as I can.
People say I got no emotion. Nobody have seen me crying except my family and well, my ex.
That's not I don't have any feeling. I just can't share my feelings with people around me, even if they are my friends. I can't express what I think nor feel. I can describe it very well. I often try to share my feeling, but once I open my mouth and say a few words, I think,"Nah. I shouldn't start anything." then shut my mouth again.
Not that I think nobody cares. I know I got lot of good friends that care. I AM AFRAID.
I am afraid about what people would think about me.
I am afraid people would judge me because they don't know what I really feel.
A night before Christmas, I tried to continue doing my research proposal for end test by the time I got home from church. It was 11.30 p.m. I was really tired, but I've targeted myself to finish my proposal on Dec,23rd. "I've missed my target," I think. I stared at my laptop, useless, I couldn't even think. So I closed it and ran to my room. I cried, out of my desperation.
My mama came into my room to check me. It turned out I was crying. She hugged me and I tried my best to tell my feeling. My mama said,"Don't be like that. We may have life target (expectation), but we are human, we get tired, we need to socialize, we need to have some fun. We may have life target, but don't be stressful if you can't achieve it as long as we have tried our best."
Expectation kills. I agree with that. Expectation have lifted me high lots of time, expectation also have thrown me down. I tried to remember my mama's saying. Though, it's me, a human with ambitions and high expectations. And if this night I write this, it's simply because I am afraid of all my own expectations.
I don't know if I told you before but I am an ambitious. I have a great expectation about myself especially: great academic score, great social life, great organizational experiences, great physical appearance, etc. I know I wouldn't be able to achieve those all, nobody would.
People around always have expectation too because yeah, that's how human being human. My parents expect me to be success in education and future life. My friends expect me to be a great friend who is fun and care. I know I wouldn't be able to meet those all, nobody would.
Nevertheless, deep inside my heart, deep inside my mind, I always take those expectations seriously. I always being obsessed to be as great as I can.
People say I got no emotion. Nobody have seen me crying except my family and well, my ex.
That's not I don't have any feeling. I just can't share my feelings with people around me, even if they are my friends. I can't express what I think nor feel. I can describe it very well. I often try to share my feeling, but once I open my mouth and say a few words, I think,"Nah. I shouldn't start anything." then shut my mouth again.
Not that I think nobody cares. I know I got lot of good friends that care. I AM AFRAID.
I am afraid about what people would think about me.
I am afraid people would judge me because they don't know what I really feel.
A night before Christmas, I tried to continue doing my research proposal for end test by the time I got home from church. It was 11.30 p.m. I was really tired, but I've targeted myself to finish my proposal on Dec,23rd. "I've missed my target," I think. I stared at my laptop, useless, I couldn't even think. So I closed it and ran to my room. I cried, out of my desperation.
My mama came into my room to check me. It turned out I was crying. She hugged me and I tried my best to tell my feeling. My mama said,"Don't be like that. We may have life target (expectation), but we are human, we get tired, we need to socialize, we need to have some fun. We may have life target, but don't be stressful if you can't achieve it as long as we have tried our best."
Expectation kills. I agree with that. Expectation have lifted me high lots of time, expectation also have thrown me down. I tried to remember my mama's saying. Though, it's me, a human with ambitions and high expectations. And if this night I write this, it's simply because I am afraid of all my own expectations.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Posesi
Langit malam ini cerah
Tidak ada awan menghalangi
Tidak ada bintang menandingi
Bulan tampil percaya diri
Menyorotkan cahaya keemasan ke bumi
Aku menengadahkan kepala
Memandangi puas keindahannya
Sampai hanyut masuk dalam pesona
Tersirat rasa ingin memiliki
Memonopoli cahayanya untukku sendiri
Namun bulan malam ini bukan milikku sendiri
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